Episode 50 - Maximizing Our Influence

As disciples of our Lord we are charged with the incredible responsibility to make disciples of others.  This is a task that some do better than others, but all of us can and all of us can learn how to better influence others for the Lord.

In this episode I speak to how we can maximize our influence.  You may already know some of this but it is a good idea to refresh your memory.  And if you are new to the discipling process, these ideas will help you grow in your ministry of reconciliation.

I invite you to follow our podcast and share it with others as together we walk with our Master.

Please contact me if you have questions or you wish to share with me something about your walk with the Master. My email is walkingwithourmaster@gmail.com

The Prattville family meets at 344 East Main Street, Prattville, AL. Our web site is: https://prattvillechurch.org.

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Transcript

Hello friends, I'm your host Dave Laton and welcome to the podcast, Walking With Our Master, an outreach of the Prattville Church of Christ designed to inform, encourage, and teach as we daily walk with our Master. 

In today’s episode we will briefly look at some points that can help us as we further the gospel of Christ.  I find it remarkable that God placed the responsibility on us to spread the Gospel.  I like Paul's description of it from 2 Corinthians 5:19. He says God has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  This is a sacred trust.  By the way, the "us" in this verse is you and I as fellow Christians, disciples of our Lord. 

It is critical then that we develop knowledge and skills to help us do what God has committed to us to the best of our ability. 

Certainly, some folks have greater skills in this area.  Some seem to have a natural ability.  That natural ability is a gift from God and should be used for His glory.  But all of us can learn.  This episode is about how we can develop knowledge and skills to maximize our influence.   

The information for this episode is based on material developed by Les Giblin and information I've learned from different sources and experience.  

Let's begin by looking at just a bit about human nature as a foundation for maximizing our skills to positively influence others to turn to our Lord.  

The best way to start enhancing our skills to positively influencing people is to have a basic understanding about the nature of people.  Obviously, we can't cover all about human nature in this presentation.  People have advanced degrees in human nature and still are amazed as we continue to learn about people.  But there is one thing that almost everyone has in common.   

People are primarily interested in themselves.   

It may be in the form of self-preservation or how things impact on them individually.  But it remains that we look at things from the perspective of how it impacts ourselves.

 This is not necessarily a bad thing.  If it is out of control, then certainly it is.  But we just can't help but have at least a small interest how things impact us.  

 Another way of saying this is that people are primarily interested in themselves, not in you.  If you disagree with this, ask yourself why.  Is it because someone may think less positively about you?  Are you afraid of how it makes you look?  See my point, we usually interpret things based on how it impacts ourselves.

 This trait is so strong that even when we do something for someone else, we still have at least a small part, how we look, what others think of us, and how it impacts us.  Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just a part of human nature.  

 This human trait gives us a foundation upon which to build skills in positively influencing others.  It is a powerful tool in carrying out our mission of reconciliation.

 As we move through the rest of this information, we will see how it relates back to this foundational point.

 This presentation is all about making a good impression on people so we can positively influence them.  We can have a healthy pride in ourselves.  We're not pointing to ourselves in such a way that elevates us but rather helps us have the confidence we need.  We recognize who we are and what we can do.  And we use that to help others succeed.  We're going to go into more about this as we progress, but here are a few things to keep in mind.

 Be sincere.  This means we avoid insincere flattery or meaningless words.  Say what we mean and believe what we say.

 Show enthusiasm.  Enthusiasm is contagious. 

 Don't try to build yourself up by running others down.  Stand on your own merits.  True progress is determined by your own efforts.  We don't advance very far stepping over the bodies of the fallen.  Running others down to make yourself look good places the emphasis on them and gives a negative view of you.  Another way of looking at this is don't knock anybody or anything.  Remember the old saying, "If you can't say anything good then don't say anything at all."

 Let's look now about how to positively influence people.

 A place to start positively influencing others is to talk about them.

 What do you suppose is the most important topic for a person to talk about?  Well, we've already stated it, it is themselves!  

 Perhaps the best thing to do is to get the person talking about themselves.  People would rather talk about themselves than anything else.  If you guide folks into talking about themselves, they will think highly of you as a communicator.

 When we talk with someone about themselves, they will be very interested and fascinated.  They will think well of you for allowing them to do so.

 If you don't allow someone to talk about themselves, you are going against human nature and putting up roadblocks for positively influencing them.

 When you talk to people about themselves, you are working with human nature, not against it.  You've already started positively influencing someone.

 A basic technique to use this element of human nature is to reduce the use of words from your vocabulary that point to you.  The common words we should try to use less are, "I, me, my, mine."  If we do have to use these words, learn to use them to encourage someone to focus on themselves and not us.

 Here are some simple statements we can use to shift the focus away from ourselves and onto the other person.

 "This is for you."  You will benefit if you do this."  "This will please your family."  "You will receive the benefit from this."

 NOTE:  If you give up the satisfaction you gain from talking about yourself, and that you get from the use of the words, I, me, my, mine", your influence will be greatly increased.  

 See what I've done?  I've shifted the focus away from my benefit to your benefit.

 This takes practice but the rewards to you will be well worth it. (See, I've done it again.  I've shifted focus to you.)

 Here are some questions we can ask to get a person talking about themselves?

 ·       How is your family, John?

 ·       How is your son/daughter doing at school?

 ·       How long have you lived here?

 ·       What do you like to do in your spare time?

 ·       How did you get started in your profession/hobby/mission?

 Remember, the subject is about them, and not us.  It is not as important about how we like our remarks and the subject, but hot our listeners like them.  So, when talking with others, talk about them and get them to talk about themselves.

 This is how we can become a very interesting conversationalist.

 A second point of understanding how to positively influence others is to make others feel important.

The desire to make oneself feel important, to be recognized, is a strong motivator.  It can be used for good or bad, but certainly we want to focus on the good.  So, the more important we can make a person feel, the more they will respond positively to us.

Nobody wants to be treated as a nobody!  No one wants to be ignored or talked down too.  Remember, to the other person, he or she is important to himself or herself, just as you are to yourself.  

 Here are some ways we can recognize people and show their importance.

 ·       Listen to them!  (We'll look at this more later)

 Refusing to listen to someone is about the surest way to make someone feel unimportant.  On the other hand, listening to someone is the surest way to make him or her feel important.

·       Recognize and compliment a person.  Again, we'll look at this more later. 

·       Pause before answering someone.

 This gives the impression you are thinking over what they said and it is worth thinking over.  Pay attention to your nonverbal cues while doing this.

 ·       Acknowledge someone waiting to see you.  

 If they must wait, let them know you know they are waiting.  This treats the person like a person of worth.  You can do this by simply looking at them and acknowledging their presence.  You might say, "Hold on, don't go away.  I want to chat with you."

 ·       Pay attention to everyone in a group.  

 Don't just focus on the leader or spokesperson.  A group is more than one and everyone has something to contribute. 

 To this point, we've talked about how a person's most interesting topic is about themselves.  We've also talked about how to make others feel important.  Let's now look at a third skill in positively influencing someone and how to agree with someone when we might disagree.  

 Anyone can disagree with someone, but it takes wisdom and character to be able to find agreement with someone, especially if there is something we feel they are wrong about.    

 We should learn to skillfully agree with people.  We can learn this valuable skill to build positive human relations.  Here are some ways to achieve this.

 ·       Learn to be agreeable.

 Get yourself into an agreeable frame of mind.  Develop an agreeable nature.  

 Let the person know when you agree with them. 

It's not enough to be agreeable with people.  Let them know you agree with them, even if it is a small point.

 You can nod your head "yes" as you look at them.  This naturally communicates that you agree with the person, or that he or she is right.  You've now established a common ground upon which to build.

 If you do have to disagree with someone, redirect to a common ground where there is agreement.  Example:  "I don't agree with you on that point.  But you made a good point about…  Why do you feel this way?"

 ·       Admit it when you are wrong.

 None of us are right about everything.  It takes a big person and honest person to admit our mistakes.  But people will admire you for it.  The average person might offer excuses, but the exceptional person will admit mistakes and learn from them.

 Whenever you are wrong, say so out loud.  You could say, "I made a mistake.  I was wrong.  You've given me a better understanding of…"  

 ·       Refrain from arguing.

 Arguing with someone is the poorest human relations technique.  Even if you are right, don't argue!  No one wins arguments or friends by arguing.

 ·       Handle fighters properly.

 Some people are just looking for a fight.  The better technique is to not fight with them.  If you refuse to fight, they will soon run out of fuel and look silly.

 We mentioned that one way to make a person feel important is to listen to them.  Let's look more about this point now.  Listening helps us at all levels of communication.  The more we listen, the better we will be able to communicate.  

 Good listeners wind up far ahead of good talkers and are more liked.  Remember that the most important topic for a person is themselves?  Well, being a good listener allows people to hear their favorite speaker, themselves.

 Listening is an active process.  It means that you are actively involved.  The letters ACT helps with this.  

A – Attend.  To attend means to pay attention and to be there physically, emotionally, and intellectually.

 C – Consider.  To consider means you are thinking about what the person is saying.   This involves listening for content and meaning and not formulating a counter argument.  A way to ensure that you are in fact understanding what is being said is to restate it back to the person.  "If I understand you, you said…  Is that correct?"

 T – Talk.  All too often we tend to respond (talk) to what someone says, or we think they said, rather than responding once we fully understand what and why something is being said.  Talking or responding back should be the last action in communicating.  

 Here are some basic ways to be an active listener.

 ·       Look at the person who is talking.

 This gives us a better understanding of what is being said.  We also note the nonverbal cues a person is using.

 ·       Lean towards the person or turn your head towards the person and listen intently.  

 This gives them the impression that what he or she is saying is important, and that you don't want to miss a single word.  In fact, you don't want to miss a single word.

 ·       Ask questions to clarify your understanding of what is being said.  This also shows the person who is talking that you are listening.  It also allows someone to restate or clarify their point further.

 ·       Stick to the person's point and don't interrupt.

 Don't change the subject until the person is finished, no matter how anxious you are to make your point or to get started on a new one.

 If you must interrupt, do so for clarification and allow the person to continue.

 Note that these elements of effective listening are nothing more than good manners.  Showing good manners will always pay off, especially in positively influencing someone.

 Another skill to learn to positively influence people is to provide a way to meet their wants and needs.

 This incorporates the listening skills we've already spoken about.  We listen to learn what their wants and needs are and speak to that.  We want to learn what motivates a person.  What motivates a person is an unmet want or need.  The greater the want or need then the greater the motivation to obtain it. 

 All of us have different likes and dislikes, desires, and concerns, wants and needs.  Certainly, there are some general things upon which we can agree, but we must not assume that other people like what we like or want what we want.

 When we find out what someone wants or needs, we can move them by providing a way forward to satisfying it.  We show them how they can get what they want by doing what we want them to do.  This is an important key to influencing people.  

 Finding out what people want involves asking, watching, and actively listening to them.

 Let's shift our focus just a bit.  Let's look now at how we can help people make up their minds.

 This could be looked at as the "moment of truth."  In the world of sales, this is known as closing the sale.  Something we all want is for someone to say yes to what we are discussing or encouraging them to do.  Unfortunately, people are often skeptical of what we are saying.  There seems to be an innate suspicion that we are trying to manipulate them for our own gain.  Let's look at some ways to help overcome this skepticism.

 ·       Let others speak for us.  

 This means that we point to another person as a example of success.  It is interesting that a person may doubt us if we directly speak to something, but will not doubt when we  provide an example from someone else.  So, speak through a third party.  We can do this by quoting successes, cite facts, and show statistics.

 ·       Give people reasons to say yes.

 We do things for a reason.  So when you want somebody to do something, give them a reason why they should do it.  However, be sure the reasons you give them are their reasons, meaning reasons that are to their advantage and benefit.  In short, help them understand how they will benefit by doing what you want them to do, not how you benefit.

 ·       Ask yes questions.

 When trying to get someone to say yes, put them in a yes frame of mind.  Begin by asking them two or three questions where the obvious answer is yes.  Here are some examples:

 -       You want your family to be happy, don't you?

 -       You want the best return on your time, don't you?

 -       You want to see this effort succeed, don't you?

 The idea behind a yes question is that if you get a person in a yes frame of mind, it makes it more probable they will respond favorably to you.

Another way to help with this is to use positive nonverbal cues while asking the question.  For example, as we are asking the yes question, nod our head yes.  Also demonstrate a positive expression on our face, use a positive tone of voice, and smile!

A point of note, even before we say anything to someone, smile!  It is another element of human nature that people tend to respond in kind to the behavior of other people.  So if we approach a person with a positive outlook demonstrated by a smile, they will very likely respond in the same way.  So, give the person a sincere smile before we break the silence.  This sets the stage for positive interactions.  It also relates back to being an agreeable person.

 ·       Give people a choice between two yes responses.

 This means getting people to choose between saying yes to you one way or saying yes another way.  Either way they choose, they are saying yes to you.

 If you give them a yes or no option, then you are giving them a plausible way out and a way to say no to you.

 Here are some examples.

 Do you want to start now or this afternoon?

 Do you want to study today or would tomorrow be better?

 This won't work every time, but it will increase the likelihood of influencing people to respond favorably to you.  It is much preferable than a yes or no response.

 ·       Expect people to say yes.

 When we expect people to say yes, then we approach them with greater confidence.  When we do so, it further communicates our expectation of a yes response.  Imagine you are trying to influence someone, but you ask it as, "Do you really want to do this?"  or "Are you sure you want to do this?"  In these two examples, you are taking a negative approach and are giving them an easy out.  Instead, ask a question such as, "I imagine you really want to do this."  or "I can clearly see that you are interested in this."

 Another way to positively influence people is to offer sincere praise and to properly critique.

 Remember how we feel when a kind word or compliment is given to us?  It can brighten our outlook all day.  We remember the person for it and say good things about them.  Others react that way also.

 Here are some things to keep in mind when praising someone.

 ·       Be generous with praise.  

 Look for somebody and something to praise and then do it.

 ·       Be sincere with your praise.

 If it isn't sincere, then don't give it.

 ·       Praise the act, not the person.

 Praising the act avoids embarrassment and confusion.  It also has a more sincere sound to it.  

 ·       Get into the habit of saying something kind to people.  

 This helps you feel good.  It helps you interact with people.  It helps people respond favorably to you.

 Sometimes we must critique someone.  Paradoxically, even offering critiques can be done in a way so that it doesn't destroy our positive influence.

 If it is your intent to tell someone off or give them a piece of your mind, then you will get nothing from the effort except a false and short-lived sense of personal satisfaction.  But remember, you are focusing on yourself and not the person.  It will result in resentment and avoidance.

 Here are some positive and successful ways to critique.

 ·       Criticism must be made in absolute privacy. Nobody want a public flogging.

 ·       Preface criticism with positive words or a compliment.

 ·       Make the criticism impersonal, critique the act, not the person.

 ·       Supply the answer to doing it right.

 ·       Ask for cooperation, don't demand it

 ·       Limit one criticism to an offense.

 ·       Finish the criticism on a positive, friendly note.   

 I want to end this point on a positive note.  Let's talk about how to skillfully thank people.

It is not enough to feel grateful and appreciative.  We must show that gratitude and appreciate to those who deserve it.  It is normal for folks to respond favorable to those who show gratitude.

 Don't assume someone knows we are grateful.  Let them know.  Don't express the attitude of, "Of course I'm grateful.  I didn't complain, did I?"

 Here are some ways to show appreciation.

 ·       When we say thank you, mean it.  

 Show it in our nonverbal cues.  Use a positive tone of voice.  Look at the person and lean towards them.  

 ·       Say thank you clearly and distinctly.

 Don't mumble.  Say thank you as if we are glad we are saying it.

 ·       Use their name in our thanks.

 This personalizes your thanks.  It means more when the person hears their name instead of a simple thank you.

 ·       Work at thanking people.

 Just as you want to develop a yes frame of mind, develop a thankful frame of mind. This means looking for opportunities to show your appreciation.  An average person can thank someone for the obvious, but the above average person looks for the not so obvious, but still important reasons to thank someone.  Sometimes noticing a small or simple thing carries as much weight as something big or grand.  

By the way, this applies to someone who is a part of an effort who might appear to have a minimal role.  There are important things done by people we might not ever think about.  When I spent time in cancer treatment, I made a point of thanking the folks behind the scenes.  People like the ones that cleaned the area.  The folks who prepared food.  These folks work hard and are worthy of our appreciation.

 I have one last point to make.  To be successful at positively influencing people, you need to learn how to "lie, cheat, and steal."

 ·       You need to lie awake at night and look back over your day asking yourself it you were successful in accomplishing your goals.

 ·       You need to cheat yourself out of 30 more minutes planning how you can improve your life and the life of others.

 ·       You need to steal every good idea you can and internalizing it, making it a part of who you are.

 I hope you will find this information useful.  But the best way to make it useful is to use it!  

 Well, friends, that wraps up our discussion about how to maximize our influence on others.  Remember, we are doing this to glorify our Lord and to better carry out our ministry of reconciliation.

 Well friends, I'm your host Dave Laton.  Thank you for joining me in this podcast.  I hope you will continue to do so. If you wish to share with me something from your walk with our Master or you would like to learn more, please email me at:

walkingwithourmaster@gmail.com.

I invite you to follow our podcast and share it with others as together we walk with our Master.  And until next time, remember, we give all glory to God the Father.